so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
