please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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