btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
