Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
