Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
