as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Come back. Shots need mouths.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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