Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drunk is not a location!
You are a genius and a whore.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
