I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
