Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
