so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize