I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
