Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
