Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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