I have demons in me.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
