Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
