john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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