I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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