she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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