when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
