All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
