I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
