i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
