so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
