It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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