i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
