on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
