if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
