I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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