you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
