Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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