okay pat passed out under dana's car
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize