He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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