Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
