you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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