Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
