so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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