I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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