The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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