tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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