I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
