i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
