My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
