rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
