Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
