I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
