I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
