Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can text with my tongue
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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