Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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