If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
