You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
