Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
