____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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