If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
