why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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