Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
