I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
two words...techno handjob
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
