you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize