my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
